To Know or Not to Know

Since finding out we were expecting again we quickly answered the question "Do we want to find out?" Both Clark and I, surprisingly, agreed that we would wait. My theory is that if I have the anticipation of finally discovering if this baby is a boy or a girl that I will be able to more graciously make it through the last several miserable months of pregnancy. (Let's not also mention the fact that I have to survive the summer . . . in Oklahoma . . . where the community pools close at the beginning of August.) That instead of looking forward to not being pregnant I will instead anxiously look forward to "knowing" and thus not dwelling on being uncomfortable. See . . . this is my theory. Let's see if it holds true.

Well, everything has been fine and dandy until we throw the thoughts and opinions and desires of a strong-willed 5 year old into the mix. Remember how Jaron has been excited that I'm having a baby? Well, Jaron was obsessed with the idea that this baby needed to be a girl. Maybe it's a perfectionist tendency in him. I'm not sure. Our theory (there I go with theories again) is that he has a better memory of Eliza being a baby and how cute and fun she was.

Conversation after conversation didn't seem to sway his opinion that a loving Heavenly Father might find that sending a baby boy to us much more necessary than sending a baby girl. He wondered if we could send the baby back. When told no he finally explained to me that he wouldn't want to see or hold the baby if it was a boy. He would stay in his room or go to school.

Clark who had previously blown these comments off took this comment very seriously when I relayed it to him one evening. Maybe we needed to put our own wants and desires aside to adequately prepare Jaron for this next transition in our family. We thought we would have some time to ponder what to do before we had the ultrasound which would reveal all.

Well . . . we thought wrong! The next day at my doctor's appointment he casually suggested that I should come back that afternoon for the ultrasound instead of waiting another week or so. Several hours later found us in the doctor's waiting room with all three kids frantically re-thinking our decision.

Clark: "I think we definitely should find out. It would be important to Jaron."

Me: "Really? Are you sure?"

Clark: "Yes"

Me: "Ok but I will feel incredibly silly because I've told lots of people we weren't finding out."

Clark: "Well, we don't have to tell them that we know."

Me: Look at him like he has said we should pay more in taxes than we currently are.

Clark: "Bad idea."

I sit there and contemplate finding out. Tell myself it's fine. It will be fun to know. Besides, I'm a planner.

Moments later just as the nurse calls us in. Clark quickly declares to me: "I've changed my mind. We definitely should not find out. Jaron will be fine."

I love my husband but gosh I really wanted to knock him upside the head or something. You just don't mess with the head of pregnant woman that way. Through the whole appointment I was desperately attempting to discover the gender of the baby. The kids thought it was mildly interesting to watch. Jaron in particular loved seeing the baby. He kept saying, "Oh she looks so cute. Or is it a boy?" The technician slyly deflected his several questions about if the baby was a boy or girl.

So we walked out not knowing. And that's ok. And Jaron? He loves looking at the ultrasound pictures. He's happy to discover that the baby is a baby and is cute regardless of it being a girl or a boy. I just hope he stays that way.

And me? I'm fine now. Clark got a mildly chewed out and I think he did the dishes that night in recompense.

Oh, I'll happily take predictions. Your odds are 50-50.